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Grins

A good pun is its own reword.

A palindrome: Retteb sif lahd, noces ehttub, but the second half is better.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

A sad Texan once prayed, "Lord, I wish you would make it rain - not so much for me, I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions, and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch. - Dave James

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed a cat. - Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London

As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841

Become a mystic . . . Help stamp out reality.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

Blood is thicker than water, and tastier, too!

Bus Error - Please Take The Train.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.

Clones are people two.

Cruel and unusual punishment works better.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead. - Anamaniacs

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive? - Roseanne Barr

Forget the Joneses. I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS.

Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.

Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and a big red Ferrari!

Good. Tell him he's Wayne Gretzky. - Ted Green, Edmonton Oilers coach, when told that center Shaun Van Allen had suffered a concussion and didn't know who he was

HA! My entire family AND MY DOG were crushed during a civil war re- enactment... and now I'm ITCHING to dispense justice indiscriminately!! - Generic vigilante superhero, "The Tick"

Has it ever occurred to you that there might be a difference between having an open mind and having holes in one's head? - Richard Schultz

Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders. If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.

Hey Rocky! Watch me pull Cthlulu out of my hat!

Hi, I'm bored, heavily armed, and I have a Bible.

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw...

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I believe that this country's policies should be heavily biased in favor of nondiscrimination. - Pres. Bill Clinton

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

I don't clean house. That way if thieves break in, they think they've already been there.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. - Groucho Marx

I think it's because light travels faster then sound that some people look bright until they talk.

I try to take one day at a time... lately several days have attacked me at once.

I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. (Oh not deprived but rather underprivileged.) Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary. - Jules Feiffer

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through…

I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton

If all the world's a stage, then I want to operate the trap door.

If at first you don't succeed... skydiving is not for you.

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

If your kid beats up all the honor students, who will defend him in court?

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

Kennedy Compound. Keep out. Trespassers will be violated.

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

Live long and prosper. - Vulcan proverb
And eat well. - Italian addendum to Vulcan proverb
Feast on your enemies! - Klingon interpretation of Italian addendum to Vulcan proverb

MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose.

My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes. - Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

Never draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

Nobody creates a fad. It just happens. People love going along with the idea of a beautiful pig. It's like a conspiracy. - Jim Henson

Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.

On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all people are created jerks. - H. Allen Smith

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Baghdad. - A. Whitney Brown

Physics and Law Enforcement -- if it weren't for those two, I'd be unstoppable.

Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

"Reality" is the only word in the English language that should always be used in quotes.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy greenish-blue meat is bad for you.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)

Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies or to the bathroom.
Sects, sects, sects... Is that all you monks think about?

Sign at the Pavlov Institute: Knock: Please don't ring bell.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Stupidity is also known as a medical disorder called a rectal-cranial inversion.

Stupidity is NOT a handicap! PARK ELSEWHERE!

Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa. - Dorothy Parker

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The great thing about suicide is that it's not one of those things you have to do now or you lose your chance. I mean, you can always do it later. - Harvey Fierstein

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

The new Israeli Kraft facility: "Cheeses of Nazareth."

The only tools one needs in life are WD-40 to make things go and duct tape to make them stop. - Gareth Mark

The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder. - Former Chicago Mayor Daley

The president of today is the postage stamp of tomorrow. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. - Douglas Adams

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. - George Miller

Then I saw a sign which said 'Drink Canada Dry', so we started. - Brendan Behan

There is a theory which states that, if ever anyone discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened. - Douglas Adams

There was not a breach of security as such. It was a case of someone cutting a hole from the outside and facilitating the escape of three of our inmates. - governor of a prison in England

This calls for a very special blend of psychology and violence. - Vyvyan from The Young Ones

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Time's fun when you're having flies. - Kermit the Frog

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.... ....or is it?

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. - Joey Bishop

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. - TV listing for the movie, The Wizard of Oz

Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics? - Ronald Reagan, commenting on Clint Eastwood's bid for mayor of Carmel

What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em? – Calvin and Hobbes

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer "Present" or "Not Guilty." - Theadore Roosevelt

When you're having a bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.

Where navigation is concerned, things have changed radically since the days of Colombus. Columbus departed for India and arrived in Santo Domingo. Today, if you catch a plane to India, you arrive in India. It's your luggage that goes to Santo Domingo. - Aldo Cammarota

Why bake cookies when you can have a finger in every pie? - Hillary Rodham Clinton (quoted by Mark Russell)

Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist? – Matt Groening, The Simpsons

Why must he always dress like a Stolen Car? - Sam the Eagle (from the Muppet Show), in reference to Elton John

Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres! - Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

"Worf, fire at will!"
**BZZT**
"Hey, where'd Riker go?"

You are as innocent as a new-fallen snow... on the highway. - Steve Ulrich

You don't understand. My brain consists of large, snowy mountains, and you just caused an avalanch. - David Rodriguez

You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you. - Norm Papernick

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Your car has Dodge written on the front of it, do you really need a horn?

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