Grins
A good pun is its own
reword.
A palindrome: Retteb sif
lahd, noces ehttub, but the second half is better.
A police recruit was asked
during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own
mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A sad Texan once prayed,
"Lord, I wish you would make it rain - not so much for me, I've seen it -
but for my 7-year-old."
A Sunday school teacher
was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After
explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she
asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers
and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou
shall not kill."
Although I can accept
talking scarecrows, lions, and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard
to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch. -
Dave James
Any connection between
your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Any member introducing a
dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any
animal leading a blind person shall be deemed a cat. - Rule 46, Oxford Union
Society, London
As easy as
3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841
Become a mystic . . .
Help stamp out reality.
Before you judge a man,
walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
Blood is thicker than
water, and tastier, too!
Bus Error - Please Take
The Train.
Change is inevitable,
except from a vending machine.
Clairvoyants meeting
canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.
Clones are people two.
Cruel and unusual
punishment works better.
Early to rise, early to
bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead. - Anamaniacs
Experts say you should
never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling
festive? - Roseanne Barr
Forget the Joneses. I
can't keep up with the SIMPSONS.
Four out of five people
think the fifth is an idiot.
Get your mind out of the
gutter - it's blocking my view.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can;
and a big red Ferrari!
Good. Tell him he's
Wayne Gretzky. - Ted Green, Edmonton Oilers coach, when told that center Shaun
Van Allen had suffered a concussion and didn't know who he was
HA! My entire family AND
MY DOG were crushed during a civil war re- enactment... and now I'm ITCHING to
dispense justice indiscriminately!! - Generic vigilante superhero, "The
Tick"
Has it ever occurred to
you that there might be a difference between having an open mind and having
holes in one's head? - Richard Schultz
Heck is where people go
who don't believe in Gosh.
Helen Waite is now in
charge of all rush orders. If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.
Hey Rocky! Watch me
pull Cthlulu out of my hat!
Hi, I'm bored, heavily
armed, and I have a Bible.
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand
grenades I throw...
How do I set a laser
printer to stun?
I believe that this
country's policies should be heavily biased in favor of nondiscrimination. -
Pres. Bill Clinton
I can see clearly now,
the brain is gone...
I don't clean house.
That way if thieves break in, they think they've already been there.
I never forget a face,
but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. - Groucho Marx
I think it's because
light travels faster then sound that some people look bright until they talk.
I try to take one day at
a time... lately several days have attacked me at once.
I used to think I was
poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was
self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. (Oh not deprived
but rather underprivileged.) Then they told me that underprivileged was
overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great
vocabulary. - Jules Feiffer
I went to school to
become a wit, only got halfway through…
I'd love to go out with
you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm not offended by all
the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm
not blonde. - Dolly Parton
If all the world's a
stage, then I want to operate the trap door.
If at first you don't succeed... skydiving is not for you.
If Fed Ex and UPS were
to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If it's true that we are
here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
If thine enemy offend
thee, give his child a drum.
If we are what we eat,
then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
If you think nobody
cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you're in a war,
instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small
pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are
thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
If your kid beats up all
the honor students, who will defend him in court?
Incontinence
Hotline...Can you hold, please?
Kennedy Compound. Keep
out. Trespassers will be violated.
Kentucky: Five Million
People, Fifteen Last Names.
Live long and prosper. -
Vulcan proverb
And eat well. - Italian addendum to Vulcan proverb
Feast on your enemies! - Klingon interpretation of Italian addendum to Vulcan
proverb
MOOSEHEAD: A great beer
and a new experience for a moose.
My fellow Americans,
I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in
five minutes. - Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware
that the microphone was already on.
Never agree to plastic
surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Never draw fire, it
irritates the people around you.
Nobody creates a fad. It
just happens. People love going along with the idea of a beautiful pig. It's
like a conspiracy. - Jim Henson
Not tonight, dear. I
have a modem.
On Monday mornings I am
dedicated to the proposition that all people are created jerks. - H. Allen
Smith
Our bombs are smarter
than the average high school student. At least they can find Baghdad. - A.
Whitney Brown
Physics and Law
Enforcement -- if it weren't for those two, I'd be unstoppable.
Rainy days and automatic
weapons always get me down.
"Reality" is
the only word in the English language that should always be used in quotes.
Red meat is not
bad for you. Fuzzy greenish-blue meat is bad for you.
Researchers have
discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as
marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two,
but can't remember what they are. - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
Resistance is useless!
(If < 1 ohm)
Running is an
unnatural act, except from enemies or to the bathroom.
Sects, sects,
sects... Is that all you monks think about?
Sign at the Pavlov
Institute: Knock: Please don't ring bell.
Some people are alive
only because it is illegal to kill them.
Someday we'll look back
on all this and plow into a parked car.
STRESSED spelled
backwards is DESSERTS.
Stupidity is also known
as a medical disorder called a rectal-cranial inversion.
Stupidity is NOT a
handicap! PARK ELSEWHERE!
Tell him I've been too
fucking busy - or vice versa. - Dorothy Parker
The early bird gets the
worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The fact that no one
understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
The new Israeli Kraft
facility: "Cheeses of Nazareth."
The only tools one needs
in life are WD-40 to make things go and duct tape to make them stop. - Gareth
Mark
The police are not here
to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder. - Former Chicago Mayor
Daley
The president of today
is the postage stamp of tomorrow. - Dwight D. Eisenhower
The ships hung in the
sky in much the same way that bricks don't. - Douglas Adams
The trouble with eating
Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. - George
Miller
Then I saw a sign which
said 'Drink Canada Dry', so we started. - Brendan Behan
There is a theory which
states that, if ever anyone discovers exactly what the universe is for and why
it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more
bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already
happened. - Douglas Adams
There was not a breach
of security as such. It was a case of someone cutting a hole from the outside
and facilitating the escape of three of our inmates. - governor of a prison in
England
This calls for a very
special blend of psychology and violence. - Vyvyan from The Young Ones
Time flies like an
arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Time's fun when you're
having flies. - Kermit the Frog
To vacillate or not to
vacillate, that is the question.... ....or is it?
Today you can go to a
gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must
think toilet paper is worth more than money. - Joey Bishop
Transported to a surreal
landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with
three complete strangers to kill again. - TV listing for the movie, The Wizard
of Oz
Two rights do not make a
wrong. They make an airplane.
Very funny, Scotty. Now
beam down my clothes.
What makes him think a
middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?
- Ronald Reagan, commenting on Clint Eastwood's bid for mayor of Carmel
What's the point of
wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em? –
Calvin and Hobbes
When they call the roll
in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer "Present"
or "Not Guilty." - Theadore Roosevelt
When you're having a bad
day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember, it takes 42
muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.
Why bake cookies when
you can have a finger in every pie? - Hillary Rodham Clinton (quoted by Mark
Russell)
Why do I get the feeling
that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist? – Matt Groening, The
Simpsons
Why must he always dress
like a Stolen Car? - Sam the Eagle (from the Muppet Show), in reference to
Elton John
Winfield goes back to
the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the
way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres! - Jerry
Coleman, Padres radio announcer
"Worf,
fire at will!"
**BZZT**
"Hey, where'd Riker go?"
You are as innocent as a
new-fallen snow... on the highway. - Steve Ulrich
You don't understand.
My brain consists of large, snowy mountains, and you just caused an avalanch. -
David Rodriguez
You have a good and kind
soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you. - Norm Papernick
You never really learn
to swear until you learn to drive.
Your car has Dodge
written on the front of it, do you really need a horn?